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A Landmark In Life

February 20, 2010

I am attending the second seminar to Landmark Education this weekend. I am only here because of the amazing generosity of a few people I had never met in my life. The course costs $850 for the weekend, and I didn’t have the money to spend, but I knew I needed to go. Thank you to those who said to me that when I asked for help, that I took a stand for me….and therefore, they would too. Only at Landmark!

Since my summer of Chapel Perilous….I have been seeing a therapist from my past who meets me on Skype. That way, I never had to leave my hotel room. Isn’t that interesting. She had moved on from her own practice to working for the military and she really had all the tools necessary to help me get through this summer of grooming. I was sent to a Doctor in NYC. Only I could feel comfortable walking into a non-sterile environment that looked more like a tattoo/art gallery than an office.

Dr. Dave

He has been amazing along with my therapist. I was actually diagnosed, and my therapist apologized to me for treating me for over 10 years in her office, but as she said, “It took this really horrible event for us to see what it is we are dealing with.” Apparently, this is the hardest condition to recognize.  According to the two of them, the government loves people like me. Just put me in front of a computer and I can pump out as much work as possible without ever thinking twice about the speed or ability I am functioning at….which happens to be at a level that others don’t function at so therefore, I look … frankly ….. intelligent. How can you see someone is being manic when they are productive and “normal”. From what I now understand, it is one of the hardest conditions to diagnose, because I am functioning on some level that when the “experts” talk to me …. if I am making more sense …. how can you say that I have a problem? It’s a catch 22. This is the diagnosis…..Cyclothymia. I have been told that the problem I will face by those that recognize I have this, will just burn me out …. I’ll work and work and ….. fade away.

In all honesty, I thought I just had really amazing time management skills. I thought I was normal and not getting enough sleep because I had so much to do to get done. Now that I haven’t been working, I have had to live with myself, and realize, I’m not wearing myself down anymore….and so I just lay in bed and think and ache. I love sleeping….so I have to find ways of fulfilling my days now with anything to give me peace and dreams ….. and rest from all these thoughts I process.

The course is very intense and begins at 10:00 a.m. and ends at midnight. I am the leader of my group which means I am responsible for the success of 5 other people to manifest their own possibility by the end of the seminar. In reverse, they are responsible for my success as their leader by doing the homework necessary and fulfill their own will with integrity and authenticity to the process. This is an interesting space to be in, because normally as I am always “the person in charge” I do not always have the cooperation of my staff to see me succeed. In fact, on my last assignment I had two coups from the staff to change my management style and decisions! What the employees heard from me when they tried to put me in a corner was that I was only guilty of providing them with employment. I offered anyone who wasn’t happy with the job to walk. I never promised that I would fulfill their life with a job that completes them and makes them whole. I had a production job with a deadline….period! That was my mistake though, because I could complete them but I  was bound and determined to to pick up their slack on the project at any cost. Unfortunately, my error in judgement caused me  to pay a hefty price for my blind ambition.

As you know … I do not have difficulty explaining my thoughts, but this isn’t something that I can explain to you. This is a program that has to be personally experienced to understand how beneficial the work is.

I’m working on getting rid of my “story” which I was afraid would take away my edge off my blog…what me …. not edgy? I don’t think so. I think I could eliminate about 100% of the drama and still end up a little bit off the fringe.

I also figured out what my “Act” was….what the heck is an Act? Well, it’s the way I keep making my “story” make sense to myself. I keep recreating the same outcome! I do that by saying to myself … I am not capable of living a normal life. Therefore, my life is full of things that are “not normal”.

I’m sure you have seen me do this all the time on my blog! Is it interesting, hard to follow, weird! Yes – all of the above! I keep my “story” alive by keeping my “Act” alive. The good news is, we all do it, and there is no surprises there. So when we think we have it all figured out….and we are all of a sudden released from our self imposed belief system….we could be just like the character in the movie the Devils Advocate….and still be re-creating the same outcome….if we do not see that just because the game has changed in appearance….doesn’t mean that our responses to that game has been beat.

In all honesty, since I am only one day into the course….I probably shouldn’t be cementing my views for you, because I have only just begun examining my thought process, taking responsibility for my actions in my own life, taking responsibility to see others succeed as a group (Sea of Green comes to mind here) and what if I am still stuck in the movie I am playing inside my mind? I am. I know that. The big news is…..I am not there to “fix” anything, that I am whole and complete as I am. I just have to forgive myself and let it all go. Stop causing my own miserable life and live the way it is that I should live….with possibility.

All of my personal video’s I launch on this blog are from my YouTube channel …. Possibility TV. Even after my first course known as The Forum, I knew that words mattered and what I chose as my projection would one day reflect what amazing results I would be able to create for myself.

Regardless of all that knowledge, and I come with full-disclosure here…..I always wished that every thing I have ever learned in my life could just be absorbed so that I never forgot the details and lived my life making decisions that empowered all that I had ever experienced, learned, and knew to be true. There’s the rub! I was doing that, and the result means….I hadn’t learned a damn thing.

As Jocelyn said today….many times in fact…. you don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground.

Update: After I moved away from NYC and went home with the love of my life after my transformation – I quit the medication I was given, and had my boyfriend watch me closely. He said there was no change in my behavior. I was either no longer so stressed out that I had these symptoms that caused a misdiagnosis, I healed, or I was being made numb and dumb. Who knows, who cares, I’m OK and I don’t have any medical condition after all, or anymore. Whatever the case may be – transformation has taken it’s hold on my life and I’m not letting go of possibilities to continue to be strong, vibrant, alive and productive on what is right.

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