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What Dreams May Come?

October 24, 2009


Nightmares: formerly known as a monster or evil spirit believed to oppress persons during sleep.

Word Origin & History


c.1290, “an evil female spirit afflicting sleepers with a feeling of suffocation,” compounded from night + mare “goblin that causes nightmares, incubus,” from O.E. mare “incubus,” from mera, mære, from P.Gmc. *maron “goblin,” from PIE *mora- “incubus,” from base *mer- “to rub away, harm,  (cf. first element in O.Ir. Morrigain “demoness of the corpses,” lit. “queen of the nightmare,” also Bulg., Serb., Pol. mora “incubus;” Fr. cauchemar, with first element is from O.Fr. caucher “to trample”). Meaning shifted mid-16c. from the incubus to the suffocating sensation it causes. Sense of “any bad dream” first recorded 1829; that of “very distressing experience” is from 1831.
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2001 Douglas Harper

Full disclosure – right?

That seems to be my motto. I can’t tell you the date I checked into this hotel room. I can’t remember. I can only tell you I have not checked out yet. Reminds me of that song, Hotel California.

Writing for you, has been very therapeutic for me. You have given me strength, and I’m coming back to my old self again. It’s nice to have me back. With that, though….comes a flood of emotions.

I am sharing this because I realized that the people who are living in Iran probably suffer from nightmares too.

I just realized tonight the pattern: I have left the hotel room two times this week, where I didn’t just go to the store across the street, but where I got in a car and saw the freeways, streets and people again. The first time was Monday, and I cried. I felt ridiculous. I woke up Tuesday morning, from a night terror of someone being sent to kill me. I escaped but it was so upsetting I called a friend at 5:00 a.m., (not surprised) there was no answer.

Last night, I went out again with my friend. Mind you, I never go out for more than an hour or two. We get coffee, and come back to the hotel. She lives here too. I went to sleep only an hour ago, but I feel like I’ve been stuck in that world forever. Each time, I dream I am in my hotel room, but it is different. I had an extra bedroom, and I was listening to someone communicate with me through the computer, and like in real life, I made sure to cover the camera inside my computer. I heard someone come in and I left the extra bedroom to see who was in my main living room, because even in real life, it is impossible for anyone to get in unless I open the door. There was a big fat guy, bigger than Vito, and then another guy walks in, he is more like Christopher, but without the nose. Then I see the gun come out of Vito’s stretch pants and I bolt out the door, stuck at the elevator with a family and trying to figure out which way to run without endangering those around me, and without getting killed.

While I am writing this, I see an e-mail comes in, it’s one of my daily bible verses I like to read. My religion isn’t organized very well. I decided, what the heck, this one usually ends up deleted in my spam folder, maybe I should see what it says:

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?

Psalm 56:3-4 Christ Notes

The universe has a funny way of letting me know I should continue with this post.

I guess what I am supposed to share is the fact that I get scared too. I adopted a rule when I was a rebellious teenager. If something scared me then I had to address it. I probably actually learned that when I was 7 years old. I was bucked off of my pony Okie and had to get back on and run him up the hill. Ha! That’s funny, my aunt Eileen made me do that! Oh how ironic! She is always speaking to me with that voice of concern.

So every time I get that feeling….that nervousness, the fear that is flowing through my veins, and pumping my heart….I say to myself, well Heather, I guess you have to deal with this one head on. And the more afraid I am, the more determined I am to kick its ass. I have had so many things happen to me at one time, just to mess with my head, and instead of being reasonable, and giving up, I look up at the sky and say, “Come on Universe, is that all you got!”

I wrote a poem about what transpired before I checked into this ‘god forsaken place”. I’m going to share it. I want you to check out this other version though of Hotel California first. It is interesting and I think it fits.

Slaying The Monster
As I drove through the desert – I contemplated this day.
An unsettled fear – more was coming my way.
There was no where to run, hide, or escape
I was on a collision for another mental rape.
I wanted to destroy my cards, GPS and phone
but I knew that would mean I could never go home.

I had broken down and acted out of my mind,
If I did it again I wouldn’t be treated so kind.
I was just one of the three blind mice,
I could get away with it once, but never twice.
The constant attacks were breaking me down,
The real problems came once no one was around.

The computers were taken over and disabled.
My home was a fortress and nothing was stable.
Too stubborn to stop working and told
“Don’t touch that phone.”
That’s when I realized that I’m on my own.

My earnest efforts had already been rejected
I reacted to things just as was expected.
Captured in radio silence conditions,
and I was forced to abort my mission.

Broken apart till I had no direction,
under control of only suggestion.
Oh My God, you can’t be serious,
I had no idea why I was being put through this.

Completely cut off from the world that I know,
an unknown commander was running the show.
I was scared that I wouldn’t get out alive….
responding with actions so I could survive.

Maybe I was really losing my mind,
looking for evidence that no one could find.
Warned of destruction as the outcome to be,
A word of fatality, and the blame would be me.

My history was crazy, lessons easy to miss,
I wonder if that was preparation for this.
I was afraid to go to others during the roam,
Worried that I’d bring danger into their home.

I couldn’t talk about what was happening to me,
I didn’t know how to go on to be free.
I reached out one time, please understand….
Backfired till things were more out of hand.

Nothing left to do – face my fear head on,
Nothing left to lose, and I had to be strong.
I found myself driving to think for a bit,
Another warning I saw, and wanted to quit.

I kept trying to tell myself it was all an illusion,
That my mind was just sick creating delusion.
The strangers and I was all who could see,
the things they would do while following me.

I made rash decisions out of sheer panic,
told to calm down and stop acting manic.
“Behave as you would in your normal situation…
keep working without volunteering information.”

I went back to work and what was stolen now back.
Today has arrived and I appear I’m on track.
Just as unexpected when my project was taken,
I’m to say sorry for the delay – and I was mistaken.

What was the reason, the purpose, the plan?
I’ll never know but does my integrity stand?
I fought black and white, and gray was a crime,
I stopped resisting the monster who gave me my time.
What you resist persists, or so I’ve been told…..
I returned to the battle but the trail went cold.

Wrap it up,
move ahead,
don’t look back again,
Embrace the beginning
and fear not the end.

Now you know why I like to say I have more balls than sense. Oh, and don’t worry about me. I have a plan. I’m going to check out of the hotel a couple weeks early, and my grand entrance back is going to be at a Halloween Party.


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